It’s easy to look back over years as a series of big events–the day I was born, schools I attended, graduations, marriage, jobs held, the birthdays of my children… These are the visible rings around my tree, the important details in a brief biography of my life. But when I close my eyes and let…
Tag: marriage
Thoughts on My Mother and the Miracle of Existing in this World
My Mama had nine children. I am the youngest. The fact that I exist in this world at all is not a small miracle. I see it all now, like the iconic scene in It’s a Wonderful Life, where Mary is closing up the library. A world where I don’t exist. My husband is scorching…
Marking a Season
I miscarried nine days before our 15th anniversary. There we sat, across the table at a little cafe, drinking coffee together. Our six living children were home with a friend who gave us the day together to celebrate our marriage. The week before, Randy and I had privately laid the whisper of a body down…
Living with Vision
I am up early this morning, before the little ones. In my closet-office (where I sit in a corner at a small desk, typing this under a rack of hanging clothes), I am armed with a steaming mug of Darjeeling tea, a couple of Cinnamon-Orange-Almond-Spelt muffins, and the promise of a glorious uninterrupted hour of…
This Morning I Sat Down at the Table With My 22-Year Old Self
This morning I sat down at the table with my 22-year old self. She drank ginger peach black tea with cream and sugar. I drank darjeeling, black. We met in a cafe, the kind with classical music and the pleasant hum of conversation in the background. The people sitting next to us wondered if we…
Family and Flexible Vision
I wish that I could find a (nonexistent) journal entry from back when I was in college where I said something like: “Ten years from now, I can see myself…” And then I described the vision of my life. The vision I had before marriage, before kids. Wow. That would be good for a laugh….
Moving Through Fear, Walking by Faith (How This Pregnancy Is Giving Me a New Kind of Courage)
I am in the second trimester of my sixth pregnancy. This is really happening. This is set in motion. In a few short months, this pregnancy will end in labor, delivery, and the prize of all prizes–another sweet baby in our family. People literally say to me all the time, regarding birth, “Oh, you’re a…
Slow Work
God is doing a slow work in me. So many days it feels like nothing is happening. Like my life, which once seemed so useful and productive, is making zero impact on the world. The days when life was defined by an impressive string of accomplishments are lost somewhere at the bottom of the laundry…
On our 12th Anniversary
Today is our anniversary. We met in the fall of 1999, dated for three and a half long, confusing years, and married on a beautiful spring morning just like this one 12 years ago today. I hoped I was doing the right thing. I prayed I was doing the right thing. There is no one…
Time
You can’t slow it down. No matter how much you want this moment of just-after-rain-shimmer, when the baby is still sleeping and the kids are still in the backyard, preoccupied with the change of the world under the influence of a spring shower, you can’t keep it. You can’t stop it. You can’t slow it…
Longing
Longing. This word won’t leave me alone. It first jumped out of the pages of Mere Christianity (by C.S. Lewis) a few weeks ago, and since then, it has worked itself into every book, every movie, and every mini-drama of my life. The word itself can give me the feeling. (((Do you know what I mean?)))…