Every choice is too hard. Is there anybody out there who understands what I mean? I have started down a path for my life, and I honestly have no idea where this is going. I have spent years traveling, hoping to stumble across at least a rudimentary map of what lies ahead. But there…
Tag: large family
The Space Between Here and a Miracle
If you are up, like me, at 2 a.m., wrestling with questions that do not seem to have answers, tired of trying to drown out your own thoughts so you can finally get some sleep, welcome to this post. Get up and join me at my kitchen table. It is soooo quiet. I just got…
The Woman and the Seed, A Parable
This is a true story. It is the story of a woman who fell in love with a man. She married him with a certain picture of what life would be like in the back of her mind. It looked like a garden in springtime. Everything beautiful was in bloom. Every bird was singing. They…
Being There (On the Shores of Life and Loss)
A week ago we cried over the body of my beloved Mother. She is gone. This keeps hitting me like ocean waves, one after the other. How it swells. How it breaks. It all seems like a dream. The next day was of course a birthday. My daughter’s third. The only time to cry was…
Thoughts on My Mother and the Miracle of Existing in this World
My Mama had nine children. I am the youngest. The fact that I exist in this world at all is not a small miracle. I see it all now, like the iconic scene in It’s a Wonderful Life, where Mary is closing up the library. A world where I don’t exist. My husband is scorching…
Embrace the Mess, A Letter to My Future Self
This letter is to my future self. One day, when you are storming around your messy life as a mother of many small children, scowling at spilled crayons and upturned buckets of legos, haunted by the ghost of clean kitchens past… When you reach the point, clocking in late for laundry after a long day…
Marking a Season
I miscarried nine days before our 15th anniversary. There we sat, across the table at a little cafe, drinking coffee together. Our six living children were home with a friend who gave us the day together to celebrate our marriage. The week before, Randy and I had privately laid the whisper of a body down…
Living an Unscripted Life
It is nearly September. This is when I am always scrambling for a good idea for how to make life work around here. We only get 24 hours a day. There is so much to be done. Every day is a combination of homeschool, home business (teaching music lessons most afternoons), explosive creativity that needs…
Singing Out a Baby, the Birth Story of Rune O’Carolan Chester
“I am walking into this labor differently than I ever have before. I am walking into it with a spirit of fight. Not just trying to keep my peace, not just trying to stay calm, not just surviving and getting to the other side. I am walking into this labor with the desire to put…
The Poetry of This Morning (On the Day Before My Due Date)
The poetry of this particular morning is not lost on me. May 15. The day before my due date. I woke early this morning after a night of mild, sporadic contractions, wondering if today will be the day that we will meet our son. It could happen at any moment. The waves of contractions reminded…
Living with Vision
I am up early this morning, before the little ones. In my closet-office (where I sit in a corner at a small desk, typing this under a rack of hanging clothes), I am armed with a steaming mug of Darjeeling tea, a couple of Cinnamon-Orange-Almond-Spelt muffins, and the promise of a glorious uninterrupted hour of…
Joy and Sorrow (How Does Your Garden Grow)
It still hits me in waves. Not like it did last spring. When my little garden was blooming and sheets of rain came down steadily day after day. I drank tea in the music room and looked out over the mint and the marigolds and all the beautiful shimmering living things growing there in the…